Inspired by this tweet
|
||||||||||||||||||||
| ||||||||||||||||||||
With apologies to Samuel………
………..&
my dad
1 Samuel 17
New Revised Standard
Version, Anglicised (NRSVA)
David and Goliath
17 Now UPSers
gathered their armies for battle, for they were followers of the fraud; they were gathered at Atlanta ,
which belongs to Georgia ,
and encamped between Atlanta and Roswell , in Smyrna
2 Janet and the
Jordan’s gathered and encamped in the valley of Dewsbury
3 UPS stood on
the mountain on one side, and Jordan
4 And there
came out from the camp of the UPSers a champion named Davis ,
of Medford , OR
5 He had a
helmet of perjury on his head, and he was armoured with a coat of email; the weight
of the coat was $12 million shekels of bronze.
6 He had subterfuge
of bronze on his legs and
deceit of bronze slung between his shoulders.
7 The shaft of
his threat was like a weaver’s beam, and his threat’s head weighed six hundred
shekels of iron; and his shield-bearer, Miller, went before him.
8 He stood and
shouted to the ranks of Jordan
9 If he is able
to fight with me and kill me, then we will be your servants; but if I prevail
against him and kill him, then you shall be our servants and serve us.’
10 And the
UPSer said, ‘Today I defy the ranks of Jordan
11 When Janet
and all Jordan’s heard these words of the UPSer, they were dismayed and greatly
afraid.
12 Now Michael
was the son of a Congregationalist of Batley in Yorkshire ,
named John, who had two sons and a daughter. In the days of Janet the man was
already old and advanced in years. (Dead actually)
13 The three
eldest sons (rats, I’m the eldest of two, this doesn't work, ah, well, onward) of John had followed Janet to the
battle; the names of his three sons who went to the battle were Eliab the
firstborn, and next to him Abinadab, and the third Shammah.
14 Michael was
the youngest, (nearly); the three eldest followed Janet,
15 but Michael
went back and forth from Janet to feed his father’s sheep at Batley.
16 For forty
days the UPSer came forward and took his stand, morning and evening.
17 John said to
his son Michael, ‘Take for your brothers these pints of Tetley’s and these fish
& chips, and carry them quickly to the camp to your brothers;
18 also take
these ten Yorkshire puddings to the commander of their thousand. See how your
brothers fare, and bring some token from them.’
19 Now Janet,
and they, and all the men of Jordan ’s,
were in the courts of Leeds , fighting with the
UPSers.
20 Michael rose
early in the morning, left someone in charge of the sheep, took the provisions,
and went as John had commanded him. He came to the encampment as the army was
going forth to the battle line, shouting the war cry.
21 Jordan’s and
the UPSers drew up for battle, army against army.
22 Michael left
the things in charge of the keeper of the baggage, ran to the ranks, and went
and greeted his brothers.
23 As he talked
with them, the champion, the UPSer of Medford, OR, Davis by
name, came up out of the ranks of the UPSers, and spoke the same words as
before. And Michael heard him.
24 All the
Jordanites, when they saw the man, fled from him and were very much afraid.
25 The
Jordanites said, ‘Have you seen this man who has come up? Surely he has come up
to defy Jordan Jordan
26 Michael said
to the men who stood by him, ‘What shall be done for the man who kills this
UPSer, and takes away the reproach from Jordan
27 The people
answered him in the same way, ‘So shall it be done for the man who kills him.’
28 His eldest
brother Eliab heard him talking to the men; and Eliab’s anger was kindled
against Michael. He said, ‘Why have you come down? With whom have you left
those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your presumption and the evil of your
heart; for you have come down just to see the battle.’
29 Michael
said, ‘What have I done now? It was only a question.’
30 He turned
away from him towards another and spoke in the same way; and the people
answered him again as before.
31 When the
words that Michael spoke were heard, they repeated them before Janet; and he
sent for him.
32 Michael said
to Janet, ‘Let no one’s heart fail because of him; your servant will go and
fight with this UPSer.’
33 Janet said
to Michael, ‘You are not able to go against this UPSer to fight with him; for
you are just a Supervisor, and he has been a warrior from his youth.’
34 But Michael
said to Janet, ‘Your servant used to keep sheep for his father; and whenever a
lion or a bear came, and took a lamb from the flock,
35 I went after
it and struck it down, rescuing the lamb from its mouth; and if it turned
against me, I would catch it by the jaw, strike it down, and kill it.
36 Your servant
has killed both lions and bears; and this uncircumcised UPSer shall be like one
of them, since he has defied the armies of the living God.’
37 Michael
said, ‘The Lord, who saved me from the paw of the lion
and from the paw of the bear, will save me from the hand of this UPSer.’ So
Janet said to Michael, ‘Go, and may the Lord be with
you!’
38 Janet
clothed Michael with her armour; she put a bronze helmet on his head and
clothed him with a coat of mail.
39 Michael
strapped Janet’s papers over the armour, and he tried in vain to walk, for he
was not used to them. Then Michael said to Janet, ‘I cannot walk with these;
for I am not used to them.’ So Michael removed them.
40 Then he took
his staff in his hand, and chose five meaty documents from the files, and put
them in his shepherd’s bag, in the pouch; his emails were in his hand, and he
drew near to the UPSer.
41 The UPSer
came on and drew near to Michael, with his shield-bearer, Miller, in front of
him.
42 When the
UPSer looked and saw Michael, he disdained him, for he was only an old git on
crutches and handsome in appearance.
43 The UPSer
said to Michael, ‘Am I a kleptomaniac, a liar and a thief, that you come to me with paper?’ And the UPSer cursed Michael by his wealth.
44 The UPSer
said to Michael, ‘Come to me, and I will give your flesh to the birds of the
air and to the wild animals of the field.’
45 But Michael
said to the UPSer, ‘You come to me with lies and threats and deceit; but I come
to you in the name of the Lord of hosts,
the God of the armies of Jordan, whom you have defied.
46 This very
day the Lord will deliver
you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head; and I will
give the dead bodies of the UPS army this very day to the birds of the air and
to the wild animals of the earth, so that all the earth may know that there is
a God in Jordan,
47 and that all
this assembly may know that the Lord does not
save by lies and threats; for the battle is the Lord’s and he will give you into our hand.’
48 When the
UPSer drew nearer to meet Michael, Michael ran quickly towards the battle line
to meet the UPSer.
49 Michael put
his hand in his bag, took out a document, slung it, and struck the UPSer on his
forehead; the document sank into his forehead, and he fell face down on the
ground.
50 So Michael
prevailed over the UPSer with an
email and a document, striking down the UPSer and killing him; there were no
lies, threats or deceit in
Michael’s hand.
51 Then Michael
ran and stood over the UPSer; he grasped his lies, drew it out of its sheath,
and killed him; then he cut off his head with it.
When the UPSers saw that their champion was dead, they
fled, for they were all spineless cowards who followed their champion like sheep.
52 The troops
of Jordan and Dewsbury rose up with a shout and pursued the UPSers as far as Medford , OR and the
gates of Mahwah, so that the wounded UPSers fell on the way from Louisville KY as far as Medford , OR and Mahwah NJ
53 The
Jordanites came back from chasing the UPSers, and they plundered their camp.
54 Michael took
the head of the UPSer and brought it to Dewsbury; but he put his armour in his
tent.
55 When Janet
saw Michael go out against the UPSer, she said to Richard, the commander of the
army, ‘Richard, whose son is this old git?’ Richard said, ‘As your soul lives,
O king, I do not know.’
56 The king
said, ‘Inquire whose son the cripple is.’
57 On Michael’s
return from killing the UPSer, Richard took him and brought him before Janet,
with the head of the UPSer in his hand.
58 Janet said
to him, ‘Whose son are you, old git?’ And Michael answered, ‘I am the son of
your servant John the Batelian.’
UPSers 
Mike Whitehead 
UPS Customer Support
