Unauthorised Parrot Sketch

The cast:

MR. PRALINE

John Cleese

SHOP OWNER

Michael Palin

The sketch:

A customer enters a pet shop.

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?

Owner: What do you mean "miss"?

Mr. Praline: (pause)I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!

Owner: We're closin' for lunch.

Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Mikey what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the UPS Brown?...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?

Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.

Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead Mikey when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the UPS Brown, idn'it, ay? Beautiful uniform!

Mr. Praline: The uniorm don't enter into it. He´s stone dead.

Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!

Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Mikey! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...

(owner hits the cage)

Owner: There, he moved!

Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

Owner: I never!!

Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!

Owner: I never, never did anything...

Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO MIKEY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes Mikey out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead Mikey.

Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!

Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?

Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! UPS Brown´s stun easily, major.

Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Mikey is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.

Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Integritys.

Mr. Praline: PININ' for INTEGRITY!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?

Owner: The UPS Brown prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely uniform!

Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Mikey when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting at its desk in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that Mikey down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!

Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this Mikey wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!

Owner: No no! 'E's pining!

Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This Mikey is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet Jim Casey! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the desk 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-MIKEY!!

(pause)

Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of Mikey´s.

Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.

Owner: (pause) I got a slug.

(pause)

Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?

Owner: No.

Mr. Praline: Right I´ll have that one then, no more talk about integrity, or a lack of it.